Project Momma: 21 weeks

I've loved my goals this past week.  There were so many instances when I made the choice to spend time with one of my kids over doing something like dishes or cleaning, or even just browsing Instagram and Facebook.

Ryan and I studied scriptures and conference talks a couple of times together at night and we even took an overnight getaway to Julian.  It was amazing!!! Ryan's mom decided to come visit and stayed with our kids, so it was perfect.

Lucy and I made cookies together this week and played her Princess game.  My time with Liam actually turned out well because we could play together and chat while Lucy was at her swim class every day.  Chatting with a two-year-old is the best.

With Molly, my biggest effort was to hold her more often while I wasn't feeding her.  I know that sounds silly, but when I'm as busy as I am, I rarely make time to do that.  She is such a chill baby that she sleeps anywhere, and is usually pretty entertained without me.  I am grateful that I have that time to hold her while I feed her, but that I also made some additional time to enjoy her sweet personality.

 
With that said, it was also a tough and emotional week.  It's actually been a tough couple of months.  At the end of April, I called my doctor to see if he thought I might be having emotional side effects from the Mirena (IUD) I had put in.  I noticed that I had not been very patient at all with my kids- WAY less than normal.  (Mean Momma emerged too many times).  I know as parents, we need to learn patience more than a lot of other things, but I was not handling those lessons well.  

In addition to the impatience, I hadn't felt like being social.  Those that know me well would understand why that seems absolutely crazy.  I love a good party and hanging out with people.  I love having people over and meeting new friends.  At times when I had planned to go out with friends, I had to talk myself into going.

I found myself not really wanting to workout (not mention it's been way harder because of my knee). I knew that if I could get up at 6:00 am and go for a 5-mile run it would have been a lot easier.  But because of my knee, I could not find the motivation to do other workouts and make time for something that I would normally look forward to doing.  


During this initial phone call, my doctor told me that he didn't think I was reacting to the IUD, but that he could prescribe some medication to help with postpartum imbalances.  I had had a feeling that he would suggest that and by this time of the conversation, I was in tears.  However, I felt better just after acknowledging my struggles and talking it through with him.  I had even talked to a few members of my family and some friends that day which helped a lot too.  I told my doctor that I would consider getting the prescription, but I was pretty sure that I would be able to do some things myself and get through this on my own.

I had heard about various friends and other women go through hard times after having three kids, but I thought I had it down.  Molly is such an "easy baby" and my kids are pretty good at listening and staying out of trouble.  I feel like I'm a pretty laid-back parent, so I don't usually stress out about little things.  I love to exercise and get out of the house and I know that those are two things that can really help battle postpartum "baby blues."  I had pretty much accepted the fact that if I had some level of hormone imbalance, I would be able to handle it, no problem.

Fast forward a couple of months, I had a few ups and downs, but I felt really good overall.  A few weeks ago I started rating whether I was having a "good day" or a "bad day." My rating would vary depending on my mood, my lack of patience, and level of anxiety and frustration.  I discovered that there were at least three factors contributing to the outcome:  a good bout of hard core exercise, some time for myself (naps or errand by myself, etc)., and not over-scheduling my day.  If I could accomplish all three of those things well every day, I was most likely to have a  "good day." However, reality comes and you can't control everything.  There were many days when I could not make those three things happen.

I think my low was when I declared that Sunday was my least favorite day of the week.  Then within that day, the hour before church was the most stressful hour of my entire week.  Feeding my kids lunch, feeding the baby, getting myself ready, getting them ready (after eating so they don't mess up their church clothes), remembering the fifty thousand things I have to bring to church (diapers, wipes, toys, snacks, etc.) then getting there all by myself (Ryan has meetings) ON TIME without yelling at the kids?  I recognize I put too much stress on myself about it.  Who cares if they have food on their clothes?  Who cares if they eat a Z bar for lunch?  Who cares if I'm on time?  I know. And my attitude towards the Sabbath is exactly the opposite of what the Lord wants for His Holy day.   It should be a day of peace and comfort.  A day apart from the rest of the week.  I love church, I love the Spirit I can feel there.  However, if I don't prepare myself, my heart will not be open to the Spirit.

After two weeks in a row of bursting into tears once I got to church or right before, I recognized that I needed to change something.

Have you ever seen Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood?  My kids are obsessed.  They sing his songs all the time.  So this morning I was in tears again as Ryan was gone and his mom had just left to go back home.  I heard my little two-year-old Liam singing, "When you're feeling frustraaaated, take a step back, and ask for help."  You'd think that this jingle was written for two and three-year-olds, but I think I needed to hear that this morning.

As I thought about calling my doctor, a lot of thoughts ran through my head

"I should be able to do this on my own, I shouldn't need medicine to make me patient and happy again."

"People will judge me: my doctor, the office ladies at my doctor, the pharmacist, etc.  They will think, 'It's her own fault for having three kids so close together.  Of course she's going to feel overwhelmed.'"

"I'm fine where I'm at.  It's not like I'm lying in bed all day in my pajamas."

"If this were just about my happiness that's one thing, but it's affecting the happiness of my kids and my husband and the Spirit in our home."

It's really that last thought that urged me to call my doctor.  Why should I settle for less when I can get some help to make things a little bit better.  It's humbling, but it will bless my family.

I recognize that things won't be easy and I'll still need to do everything I can to keep my body and spirit healthy.  It's very likely that this will be a temporary thing, but it may not.  It's so silly to me that if I had diabetes and needed insulin (a hormone) to help regulate my blood sugar, I wouldn't think twice about it.  However, if I need a medication to help regulate hormones that affect my emotions I feel defeated and ashamed.

In the end, I was really hesitant to write about this on my blog.  I have received a lot of feedback about how my friends have really appreciated my honesty and candor when sharing my goals and my progress.  This situation is a little different though.  A little more personal.  (Although I think some people would be more inclined to admit they were taking an anti-anxiety medication than to post on Facebook how much they weigh).  

I decided to tell my story because I realize that after talking to a few people about my struggles the past couple of months, I realize there are a LOT of women who have taken medication for similar situations. I recognize that I'm not alone and I want other women to know that they are not alone either.

Being a full-time mom is not easy.  Raising, disciplining, and loving kids is a difficult and rewarding privilege I have been given by my Father in Heaven.  He has entrusted me with His spirit children to do my best and teach them.  If my best means asking for medical help so I can concentrate more on how to love my kids better, than that's what I'll do.

For this coming week, I want to focus on the essential things I've continued to try to do, but haven't been as diligent in the past few weeks.

Sleep 11:00 pm- 6:30 am
Five servings of Fruits and Veggies
Exercise five days
One treat a day
Connecting with each family member each day
Personal prayer (morning and evening)
Scripture Study (Book of Mormon and Old Testament)

I know that if do my best to keep my body physically healthy, my family relationships strong, and my testimony strengthened, the Lord will help provide the rest.


 

Project Momma: 20 Weeks

I'm happy to report that my goals of bedtime and waking up was very successful this week.  Monday through Friday (I decided that weekends can be a little more relaxed) I went to bed- meaning lights off- sometime between 10:50 and 11:20 (With 11:00 being my goal).  And I got up EVERY DAY at 6:30 am!  I was so proud of myself.  However, the whole point of getting up early is so I can get some scripture studying done and have some morning peace.  Someone must have told my kids though because now they are getting about 45 minutes to an hour earlier than they did about a month ago.  SERIOUSLY?  Super frustrating. Regardless, I still think it's a good habit to do, I may even try to push it up to 6:15 or 6:00, especially if I turn my lights off early.

I've had some more emotional ups and downs this week.  Also super frustrating.  I know that if I could get up and go for a run in the morning, that would help my stress level.  My knee is slowly starting to feel better, but it's definitely slow coming.

I started teaching at the gym last week though and it will be really fun to get back into it.  I can't even tell you how hard it is to teach two strength classes without doing all the lunges and squats.  Anyone that has ever been to my classes can tell you that they are my favorites. Every day is leg day!!! I know that doing less now will help the tendinitis in my knee heal more quickly, but patience is a virtue.  (And really hard to have sometimes.)

I'm still doing pretty well with my eating goals.  I stick to about a treat a day and I'm getting quite a bit of fruits and veggies.  I'm feeling good about those.  My scripture reading could be better, but my kids need to stay in bed!  I have been able to keep my house pretty clean which helps my happy moments.

This week I'm going to focus on my family relationships.  There's not much point to having a happy momma unless my relationships with my kids and hubby are where they should be.

Goal for my thoughts:
Speak positively- refrain from complaining.  This is a hard goal to make because it's not a SMART goal.  (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely) It's not specific, but I did a little test run today and it was really hard.  I love having Ryan home so I have an adult to talk to during the day, but it often turns into a lot of time complaining to him.  I realize that many of my "first world problems" wouldn't be so "hard" if I didn't focus on them so much.

Quality Time Goal:
I want to have a specific moment each day when I spend good one-on-one time with each of my kids and my husband.  I have had a similar goal like this in the past, and it was not easy (and I only had one child at the time).  I get easily distracted with things that need to get done that I don't allow myself to keep that one-on-one time a priority.

I did a test run of this with Lucy today.  An ideal time to do this with her is when Liam and Molly are taking a nap.  After sitting with her doing some "projects" for about five minutes, I looked around for my phone, then at the unfolded laundry on the couch.  I told myself I would sit for another 15 minutes and then kept looking at the clock!!! Why is it so hard for me to sit with her?  I'm excited to work on this goal this week.  I know finding that one-on-one time every day with Liam will be tricky.  I'm not making a time limit, but I just want to make sure that my kids and husband know that I love them and want to connect with them.

On the plus side, my clothes are fitting looser.  I still haven't weighed myself, but I really don't want to focus on my weight right now.  I'm sure I've lost some pounds, but I'm doing everything I can to be healthier, and that's all I can expect of myself right now.

A relaxing day at the beach this past Saturday can't hurt either.  ;)

Project Momma: 19 weeks

I am calling this last week "The week where I am showing you what not to do."  Why?  Because not only did I not meet my goals this week, I didn't really try.  Now I'm not saying that I let everything go and gained five pounds.  That wouldn't happen.  What I'm saying is that I had probably 10-12 treats this week instead of five.  And I probably only ate an average of three servings of fruits and veggies every day instead of five.  Seriously, if that's me "not really trying,"  that makes me pretty happy because a couple of months ago, those WERE my goals!

However, I did recognize a difference in how I felt.  One night specifically, I had a few treats (more for emotional reasons than really wanting them), and I felt AWFUL!  Then I stayed up late to watch TV because Ryan was gone.  That decision made me feel much worse in the morning.

I look back on the weeks where I was better about going to bed earlier and I felt so much better in the morning.  I was waking up earlier and reading my scriptures.  And because I felt better, I had a better workout, and made better food choices.  It's a chain reaction.  This past week I recognized the opposite chain reaction.  When I started staying up and late and sleeping in, I wasn't making good choices and I didn't have as much energy.  I didn't feel as good emotionally because I wasn't making that "me" time in the morning before the kids got up and I didn't make great food choices.  

I learned something else this week too.  Sometimes you just need a break from trying so hard.  I realized that this has been almost four months of solid improvement and goal making and it felt really liberating to not write down every serving of fruit and vegetable that I ate, or keeping track of my treats.  I obviously didn't go crazy eating treats though (for the most part) because I have made those habits.  And even though I had a couple of "free" days, guess what, I DIDN'T GAIN FIVE POUNDS! (Not that I would know because I haven't weighed myself for a few weeks), but a few days did not cancel out four months of hard work.  I feel like a lot of people put too much pressure on themselves and feel too much guilt when they "slip up" or stop trying.  It's called living a normal life.

It has also given me motivation to keep my good habits because I recognize how much better I feel physically when I am making better choices.

I decided today that thanks to my "chain reaction" discovery, I will only make and keep track of two goals this week.  Getting out of bed before 6:30 am, and lights off before 11:00 pm.  10:30 pm would be ideal (because if 10:30-6:30 is the Lord's sleep timetable for productive, hard-working, full-time missionaries, there must be some inspiration in it, right?) But I'll start with baby steps.  11:00 will be hard enough.

Milestones

I wore my "fat skirt" to church.  It's a grey pencil skirt that I love, but I originally bought it when Lucy was four months old for my sister's wedding.  I still hadn't lost all the baby weight from her pregnancy and so I bought a size 12 instead of 10, which is my "normal" size.  I had the hardest time buying a size bigger, but that's what fit me, so I did.  And I'm soooo glad, because I have clothes that fit me during this in-between stage.  However, since it's a pencil skirt it looks funny when I'm back down to my comfortable weight because it's too big and loose, but that's a good problem to have, right?  Up until this past Sunday I either couldn't zip it up, or it still felt too tight.
Find success in the little things!

I am teaching at the gym for the first time tomorrow morning, I'm nervous, but it will be fun.  I have missed that part of my life and it will be good to get back into that scene.  Fitness is always more fun when you're with friends.  

Take a family selfie if a good moment arrives, even if you're not wearing any make-up.  It's good to remember those moments too.  

I better end there so I can get to bed on time.  :)

Project Momma: 18 weeks

When Molly was 4 weeks old, I went to my doctor for my follow-up appointment. He said that I should keep hydrated and be sure not to cut out too many calories, or my milk would not be nutritious and thick enough for my baby.  In fact, he said I should be eating an extra 500 calories a day for my milk supply.  I thought that sounded a little extreme, but he assured me that my weight loss shouldn't be more than about a pound a week.

I've thought about that advice as I have been on this healthy and happy journey.  I recognize that my knee injury has kept me from running as much as I would have liked to.  I have tried to exercise as much as my knee would let me, but I know it's not as intense as I have done before.  I recognize that that is also most likely a major reason I have not seen the weight come off as quickly this round.  Unfortunately, I am not one of those moms where the weight just "falls off" if they breastfeed.

I'm sure that many people have wondered why I haven't cut more calories to lose more weight.  It would be "easy" to not eat sugar at all, or to eat 1400 calories a day.  Here are a couple of reasons why I haven't done that.

1. Not sustainable- I know that I could not go the rest of my life without sugar.  I would eventually begin eating it again, and may feel guilty, and would most likely re-gain weight.

2. Milk production- While breastfeeding my previous two kids, my milk would begin to thin out when my baby was about three months.  Liam only gained 1/2 a pound between 4 and 6 months. I felt awful.  So with Molly, I wanted to do everything I could to keep my milk supply thick enough for her. Burning too many calories through exercise or cutting too many calories in my food intake could have been the culprit for thinning it out before.

This chunky monkey weighed in at 16 pounds today, 88th percentile for her age in weight.  My other kids were never even in the 70th percentile for weight, maybe 60's.  Today the doctor said she looked perfect.  I recognize that thinner babies can still be healthy and perfect, but I have felt better this time around knowing that she has that extra weight and I have done everything I can for my baby.

Ten years ago I was a full-time missionary in Southern France.  When I left, I was in good shape and at one of my lowest weights.  During those 18 months, I did not have much time for exercise, and often did not have control over my meals.  I always shopped and cooked with my companion (roommate) and was hosted by many wonderful French families with amazing food.  I may have also fallen for Nutella and peanut butter toast.  It's amazing.

I gained quite a bit of weight a couple of different times through that year and a half.  It was really frustrating to not have the time to exercise and not eat as healthy as I would have liked.  However, I remember one day, I realized that I had dedicated that time as a missionary to the Lord, not to staying in shape.  As soon as I was able to let go of that, I gave the Lord everything I had.

I think about that experience now as a mom.  This is the third time in less than 5 years that I have gained 40 pounds and tried to lose it.  This is not my time to be an Olympic athlete or a bikini model- that will be my next life ;) This is my time to raise healthy, righteous children of God.  I want them to know that I love them and that I want what's best for them.  I want them to remember me enjoying a treat with them for Family Home Evening or going out for burgers and ice cream on the weekends.  I'm also really careful about talking negatively about my body.  If I want my daughters to grow up respecting their bodies, I need to show them that I love and respect mine.

Happy Moments

Ryan was out of town for half the week.  Taking care of three kids as a single mom is not super easy.  I needed to focus on creating as many happy moments as I could in order to keep some sanity and still let my children know that I love them.  I wasn't very dedicated at writing down my goals this week, but here are a few of my happy moments I created:

Spontaneous trip to the elementary school talent show (my kids loved it)
Cleaned the bathrooms
Breakfast with friends at a local French cafe
Kept house mostly clean while Ryan was out of town
Date night Friday night- tennis with my hubby then dinner with friends
Relief Society (Women's) Stake education day- (i.e.: no kids, fun classes, and friends for almost 6 hours)
Date night Saturday night- dinner and a movie with friends

I thrive on social situations.  Especially while being alone with my kids half the week, making time to be with other adults is really important for my happy moments.

Upcoming Goals 
I met my 7 treats again this week!!!! However, I think there were days that I could have gone without, but I had one because I knew I could.  So, I want to shoot for 5 treats this week.  This is huge for me.  There were so many times this week when I didn't eat a cookie, or candy, etc. because I didn't want that to be my treat for the day.  You begin to realize what you really like and what you might be eating just because it's there.

I am scheduled to start teaching at the gym again next week!!! I start off on Tuesday morning teaching Body Pump at 8:30 am followed by another cardio/strength class at 9:30.  I'm not sure that I will be able to get through those without trying to do a couple of 2-hour workouts before then.  So, that's my goal for this week- at least two 2-hour workouts.

I also need to work on my bedtime and wake-up time.  11:00 pm and 6:30 am.  I know I feel better when I make those goals happen.

Project Momma: 17 weeks

I had a lot of thoughts going through my head this week.  Here are the positive things I've been thinking about lately:

Positive Thoughts

I am eating healthier than I have for years
- I easily eat 4-6 servings of fruits and veggies every day (that's eating- not drinking smoothies)
- In the last 13 weeks (since I started Project Momma) I naturally (meaning slowly and non-deprivationally- yes, that's a word) cut my weekly treats from about 20-25 per week to 7 per week.

I ran a 5k in my goal time of 28:00

I am now reading roughly 12 pages in my scriptures daily (10 pages in the Old Testament to catch up on my scheduled reading I follow (click here to follow too!) I also read in my Book of Mormon every day.


On the other hand, here are some negative things that have crossed my mind:

Negative Thoughts

I have tendinitis in my knee which means recovery should take more like 6 weeks than 2 or 3 like my doctor originally said.  Boo.  That means no squats and lunges and probably no running.

I have only lost about 5-7 pounds since I started keeping track about 3 month ago.

I am still wearing my maternity jeans.

Conclusions

I hid my scale yesterday.  I didn't even own a scale until about 2 years ago.  Which means I never weighed myself when losing weight with my first two babies.  I do not focus enough on my other successes when I know that my weight loss is not meeting my expectations.  So I put it in my closet and won't weigh myself for a while.  I know I mentioned no more weekly weigh-ins, but it's hard to avoid it when I feel really good about how I've done that week.

I am not happy.  The whole reason I started Project Momma was to be a healthier and happier Momma to my three beautiful children.  I am too focused on the fact that I'm not losing weight and that I can't run.  I am healthier, but I am not happier because I am focusing too much on the things that I can't control.  As much as it kills me, I need to allow my knee to heal.  I would love to get up and run five miles, but I can't.  I will be able to in a couple of months, but only if I'm patient.

Not all pregnancies are created equal.  I keep thinking about where I was at "this" point with my other post-pregnancy bodies.  With one baby it was easy to workout because my schedule was my schedule, not hers. With the second, it was similar.  With the third, I now have Lucy's schedule, Liam's schedule, my schedule and a newborn.  I spend a large part of my time cleaning up toys, making lunch, putting kids in time-out, etc. I am injured (which I didn't deal with before).  I would normally be running about 20 miles a week by this point.  Although pushing three kids in a stroller walking for three miles is a fairly good workout, it's not quite the same as running five while pushing two. I can't compare my pregnancies.

Things I can control

I want to focus on the things I can control which means measuring what I do, not what the outcome is.  This means keeping track of food, exercise, sleep, scriptures, etc.

My goals this week were:
1. Be up at 6:15 am (my kids usually wake up between 7:30 and 8:00, so this is awesome alone time)
2. Be in bed by 11:00 pm
3. Read the Book of Mormon every day
4. 10 pages of the Old Testament
5. 5 servings of fruits and veggies per day
6. 7 treats for the week, so an average of 1 per day
7. Exercise 5 times with 2 of them strength training.

Tuesday: I was up at 6:30 and met all of the other goals.  I did my new BodyCombat video for exercise.  I usually end up turning a show on for my kids while I do it in the other half of the living room.  Molly takes a nap in her swing.  This new BodyCombat video is a crazy release, but it's got a lot of jumping lunges that I can't do.

My new secret for one treat a day is to eat half a treat after lunch and another half after dinner because I often crave one earlier.  I found these amazing salted chocolate covered caramels at Costco that are less than 100 calories each and about 2 is one serving.  Totally worth it.  I also find myself eating less after dinner when all I have left is half a serving.

Wednesday: I was up at 6:20 and went to bed at 11:10, but met all my other goals.  I did my new BodyPump class then took my kids on a 3-mile walk.  There's a trail with a crazy hill and my kids love to get out and run up the trail with me.  There's also no way I could push them all up anyway.  I know I'm a super Momma, but it's pretty steep :)

Thursday: I was up at 6:45, in bed at 11:20 and met all my other goals.  I did my BodyCombat class again.  I am seriously dripping sweat by the end and that's without the jumping lunges.

Friday: I was up at 6:30, in bed at midnight after date night at the temple.  I didn't get all my fruits and veggies and I didn't work out, but I had planned that because I knew I had an early morning with doctor appointments.

Saturday: I was up at 7:45.  This was actually the first day I didn't get up before my kids, but I rationalized it since it was Saturday. I only read 4 pages in the OT and had 1.5 treats, which means I had to take one from another day.  I went to the gym today and did a BodyCombat class.  It was amazing.  I loved running into a bunch of my friends I haven't seen in months and it's crazy how much of a better workout you can get in a class of 40 people than by yourself in your living room, but I do what I can do. I only had 2.5 servings of fruits and veggies, but I did get to bed by 11:00 that night.

Sunday: I slept in again til 8:00 and only read 5 pages in the OT.  I wish that Sundays were a rest day, but it's often more stressful than not. I only had 4 servings of fruits and veggies and, I had 1.5 treats again, so that means I can't have any on Monday.  I was in bed by 11:00.

Monday:  It was actually easier than I thought knowing that in order to meet my 7-treat goal I couldn't have a treat today.  I did BodyPump without the squat and lunge tracks.  It's not a great calorie-burner, especially without the leg tracks.  However, I had the goal to get in two days of strength training.  It's always easier for me to do the crazy cardio workouts, but I know that I need to do muscle building exercises.

My New Goals

Making Happiness

When I realize how frustrated I was getting, I started to think about the little things that make me "temporarily happy."  Every time I got in my van, I smelled my new "fresh linen" air freshener and it made me happy.  It's something so little, but it helps.  So I decided to make a list of the things I could think of that make me happy.

Good smelling soap from Bath and Body Works
Empty kitchen sink
Empty hampers
Clean bathrooms
Hair and makeup done
Good chocolate
Good movie/ show
Bed made
My kids naptime/ bedtime
Being outside
Exercise
Friends
Sisters
Family
Date Night
New Clothes
Haircut/ Colored
Redecorating my house

Some of these things are hard to come by.  I don't live by my sisters and family, but I can call them.  I can't exercise like I would like to, but I can do what I can.  I made my trip to the mall to restock my soap, I made an appointment to cut and color my hair.  I have date night set up for Friday.  These are the things I can control.

Spiritual/ Gratitude Moment

Monday is my Costco day.  My kids love it for the samples and they are pretty well-behaved.  In order to make it work, I carry Molly in a Moby and have my 4-year-old and 2-year-old in the double seated cart.  As I was headed for the checkout line a lady came up to me to admire my kids.  She saw Molly, then she saw the other two and started talking to them, telling them how beautiful they were.  She asked their names and talked to them about their baby sister.  This is all pretty normal conversation for us at the store.  I waited for the usual "You really have your hands full" or "Enjoy it because they grow up too fast" comments.  However, instead she said, "You must have a lot of fun with them.  They are beautiful." More than once she said,  "I really needed this today." Then she looked at me and said, "You are beautiful. Enjoy your day."  You can't even know how much that meant to me.  I teared up as I walked away.  I love it when people recognize the goodness of having three little kids, because we do have fun.  I know people mean well, but the "they grow up too fast" or the "hands full" comments are heard way too often and don't make me feel better about anything.  Knowing that talking to my kids made her day better made my day better.  Then she told me I was beautiful and it was exactly what I needed to hear.  Thank you Doreen at Coscto for being my Spiritual Moment.  I think the Lord put you in my path, and I hope my kids brightened
your day as well.