Ryan and I studied scriptures and conference talks a couple of times together at night and we even took an overnight getaway to Julian. It was amazing!!! Ryan's mom decided to come visit and stayed with our kids, so it was perfect.
Lucy and I made cookies together this week and played her Princess game. My time with Liam actually turned out well because we could play together and chat while Lucy was at her swim class every day. Chatting with a two-year-old is the best.
With Molly, my biggest effort was to hold her more often while I wasn't feeding her. I know that sounds silly, but when I'm as busy as I am, I rarely make time to do that. She is such a chill baby that she sleeps anywhere, and is usually pretty entertained without me. I am grateful that I have that time to hold her while I feed her, but that I also made some additional time to enjoy her sweet personality.
With that said, it was also a tough and emotional week. It's actually been a tough couple of months. At the end of April, I called my doctor to see if he thought I might be having emotional side effects from the Mirena (IUD) I had put in. I noticed that I had not been very patient at all with my kids- WAY less than normal. (Mean Momma emerged too many times). I know as parents, we need to learn patience more than a lot of other things, but I was not handling those lessons well.
In addition to the impatience, I hadn't felt like being social. Those that know me well would understand why that seems absolutely crazy. I love a good party and hanging out with people. I love having people over and meeting new friends. At times when I had planned to go out with friends, I had to talk myself into going.
I found myself not really wanting to workout (not mention it's been way harder because of my knee). I knew that if I could get up at 6:00 am and go for a 5-mile run it would have been a lot easier. But because of my knee, I could not find the motivation to do other workouts and make time for something that I would normally look forward to doing.
During this initial phone call, my doctor told me that he didn't think I was reacting to the IUD, but that he could prescribe some medication to help with postpartum imbalances. I had had a feeling that he would suggest that and by this time of the conversation, I was in tears. However, I felt better just after acknowledging my struggles and talking it through with him. I had even talked to a few members of my family and some friends that day which helped a lot too. I told my doctor that I would consider getting the prescription, but I was pretty sure that I would be able to do some things myself and get through this on my own.
I had heard about various friends and other women go through hard times after having three kids, but I thought I had it down. Molly is such an "easy baby" and my kids are pretty good at listening and staying out of trouble. I feel like I'm a pretty laid-back parent, so I don't usually stress out about little things. I love to exercise and get out of the house and I know that those are two things that can really help battle postpartum "baby blues." I had pretty much accepted the fact that if I had some level of hormone imbalance, I would be able to handle it, no problem.
Fast forward a couple of months, I had a few ups and downs, but I felt really good overall. A few weeks ago I started rating whether I was having a "good day" or a "bad day." My rating would vary depending on my mood, my lack of patience, and level of anxiety and frustration. I discovered that there were at least three factors contributing to the outcome: a good bout of hard core exercise, some time for myself (naps or errand by myself, etc)., and not over-scheduling my day. If I could accomplish all three of those things well every day, I was most likely to have a "good day." However, reality comes and you can't control everything. There were many days when I could not make those three things happen.
I think my low was when I declared that Sunday was my least favorite day of the week. Then within that day, the hour before church was the most stressful hour of my entire week. Feeding my kids lunch, feeding the baby, getting myself ready, getting them ready (after eating so they don't mess up their church clothes), remembering the fifty thousand things I have to bring to church (diapers, wipes, toys, snacks, etc.) then getting there all by myself (Ryan has meetings) ON TIME without yelling at the kids? I recognize I put too much stress on myself about it. Who cares if they have food on their clothes? Who cares if they eat a Z bar for lunch? Who cares if I'm on time? I know. And my attitude towards the Sabbath is exactly the opposite of what the Lord wants for His Holy day. It should be a day of peace and comfort. A day apart from the rest of the week. I love church, I love the Spirit I can feel there. However, if I don't prepare myself, my heart will not be open to the Spirit.
After two weeks in a row of bursting into tears once I got to church or right before, I recognized that I needed to change something.
Have you ever seen Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood? My kids are obsessed. They sing his songs all the time. So this morning I was in tears again as Ryan was gone and his mom had just left to go back home. I heard my little two-year-old Liam singing, "When you're feeling frustraaaated, take a step back, and ask for help." You'd think that this jingle was written for two and three-year-olds, but I think I needed to hear that this morning.
As I thought about calling my doctor, a lot of thoughts ran through my head
"I should be able to do this on my own, I shouldn't need medicine to make me patient and happy again."
"People will judge me: my doctor, the office ladies at my doctor, the pharmacist, etc. They will think, 'It's her own fault for having three kids so close together. Of course she's going to feel overwhelmed.'"
"I'm fine where I'm at. It's not like I'm lying in bed all day in my pajamas."
"If this were just about my happiness that's one thing, but it's affecting the happiness of my kids and my husband and the Spirit in our home."
It's really that last thought that urged me to call my doctor. Why should I settle for less when I can get some help to make things a little bit better. It's humbling, but it will bless my family.
I recognize that things won't be easy and I'll still need to do everything I can to keep my body and spirit healthy. It's very likely that this will be a temporary thing, but it may not. It's so silly to me that if I had diabetes and needed insulin (a hormone) to help regulate my blood sugar, I wouldn't think twice about it. However, if I need a medication to help regulate hormones that affect my emotions I feel defeated and ashamed.
In the end, I was really hesitant to write about this on my blog. I have received a lot of feedback about how my friends have really appreciated my honesty and candor when sharing my goals and my progress. This situation is a little different though. A little more personal. (Although I think some people would be more inclined to admit they were taking an anti-anxiety medication than to post on Facebook how much they weigh).
I decided to tell my story because I realize that after talking to a few people about my struggles the past couple of months, I realize there are a LOT of women who have taken medication for similar situations. I recognize that I'm not alone and I want other women to know that they are not alone either.
Being a full-time mom is not easy. Raising, disciplining, and loving kids is a difficult and rewarding privilege I have been given by my Father in Heaven. He has entrusted me with His spirit children to do my best and teach them. If my best means asking for medical help so I can concentrate more on how to love my kids better, than that's what I'll do.
For this coming week, I want to focus on the essential things I've continued to try to do, but haven't been as diligent in the past few weeks.
Sleep 11:00 pm- 6:30 am
Five servings of Fruits and Veggies
Exercise five days
One treat a day
Connecting with each family member each day
Personal prayer (morning and evening)
Scripture Study (Book of Mormon and Old Testament)
I know that if do my best to keep my body physically healthy, my family relationships strong, and my testimony strengthened, the Lord will help provide the rest.
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